A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
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The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.