A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

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Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*


I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.


Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”


SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]


I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.


“I’m leaving you”


“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”


*slams door*


You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable


Them: you should buy crypto


Them: ok sell it now


Them: nvm buy it back



Me: [pulls AirPods out] what


5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.