I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Great game to play with friends
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it