I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.