love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You Might Also Like
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Discuss
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety