my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
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At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
why would tinder want me to say this
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.