This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
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The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.