Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
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I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
We’re all getting idioter.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.