I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
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If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.