An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
79.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.