Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
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You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
my fav colour is also hitler
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.