Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
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My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
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Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Jupiter
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up