Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
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me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Kentucky names the shit out of places
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
6: are snakes just neck?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor