Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
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My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Oh yeah that’s it
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
The old gods are rising again.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”