Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
You Might Also Like
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president