@fillthevacuum

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

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@TheAndrewNadeau

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

@badbanana

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

@sofarrsogud

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

@K_Chapacabra

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

@the_hawlk

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

@jonnysun

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

@MamaHuntsBest

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.