*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.