[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.