The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
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police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Wake me when AI does housework
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My birthstone is kidney