8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
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Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.