Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
happy friday
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.