8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
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Good dog. ❤️
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.