All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
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ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My Plans 2020
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”