My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
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I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Current mood: Potato
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
⛄️