@MelvinofYork

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

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@JustBeingEmma

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

@HomeProbably

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

@Rollinintheseat

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

@Brentweets

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

@jonnysun

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

@ojedge

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

@1Happytwit

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?