My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
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I only treason on days ending in y
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.