@DannyZuker My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
@MelvinofYork My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
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@DannyZuker 
@iRowlf I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
@BirdiePanda Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
@ThisAlexStein The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
@joeljeffrey I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
@trevso_electric Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
@suecorvette why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
@ANastyGorilla If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
@ilovepie84 Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
@TheCiscoKidder Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.