me working on my assignments ^-^
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Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
when mom throws a party…
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.