My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Customer is always right