Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
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I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.