You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi