Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
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Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
for all #parents out there
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*