I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
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I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU