No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
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Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
j o i m p
I have never related to anyone more.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
guys i’ve cracked the code
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.