Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
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A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN