I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
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My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
O Wise One….
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.