I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.