I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.