Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
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kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein