I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
when you don’t want to be too vague