Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Social distancing in Australia:
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.