My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit