Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020