Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
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My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Effort made
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses