Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
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Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir