I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.