You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.