Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
tis the season
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name