Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Banderslack Clamberdorch
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.