I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
You Might Also Like
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.