doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
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Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder