doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
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If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Who did it better?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
When you’re here for the treats.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that