Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
this country is so goddamn polarized
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part