Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
You Might Also Like
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
getting old is fun
just got my engagement photos
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
this was the best i’ve ever seen
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Botany good plants lately?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine