Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly