Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“our sushi is very fresh”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
never ask a starfish for directions
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.